'Don’t Die' Isn’t a Birth Plan: We Deserve More Than Survival

“My birth plan? Don’t die.”

If you’ve been on Instagram or TikTok lately, you’ve probably seen that caption floating around in reels, sometimes shared with a laugh and a nod of solidarity. It’s meant to be funny, a kind of gallows humour from those who’ve been through it. But every time I see it, my stomach turns.

Because what this trend really reflects isn’t just humour, it’s hurt. It’s fear. And it’s the deep, collective expectation that birth is something to endure rather than experience. That it’s something we might barely make it through, if we’re lucky.

And while yes, maternal mortality is a real and serious issue in some parts of the world, in places like the UK, death during childbirth is incredibly rare (around 0.014% 2020-2022). What’s more common, far too common, is psychological trauma. Which is exactly what Birth Trauma Awareness Week is about.

Birth Isn’t Inherently Traumatic

Let’s get one thing straight: birth itself is not the problem. Birth is powerful, primal, and intense, yes. But trauma doesn’t stem from the rawness of the experience. It comes from what’s done to people during birth. From being talked over. Rushed. Scared into decisions. Touched without consent. Ignored when they speak up. Or brushed off when something doesn’t feel right.

The trauma is in the lack of informed choice, the coercive behaviour of care systems, the dismissive comments from professionals, and sometimes even the flippant jokes from friends or family members after the fact.

When people say “I just want to survive,” it’s because we’ve allowed survival to be the bare minimum. We’ve normalised birth trauma to the point where anything short of death is seen as a “good outcome”. And frankly, that’s unacceptable.

Why ‘Don’t Die’ Is a Red Flag, Not a Punchline

There’s nothing wrong with someone expressing their fear or frustration through humour, that’s human. But when that kind of narrative goes viral, we have to pause and ask: Why is this so relatable? Why are so many people nodding along?

Because somewhere along the way, birth shifted from a sacred, supported rite of passage to a clinical event people hope to “get through.” It speaks volumes about the state of maternity care that we’re setting the bar so low, that people don’t feel they can expect kindness or respect in their birthing experience.

That’s what this post is about: challenging the belief that birth has to be traumatic, and reclaiming the idea that we deserve more than just surviving it.

What a Birth Plan Is (And Isn’t)

Let’s also clear up a common misconception: a birth plan isn’t a fantasy list of “demands.” It’s not about controlling every element of birth (which we all know is unpredictable). It’s a communication tool. A way to express your preferences, your boundaries, your needs and to open a conversation with your care team.

Yes, birth plans may need to be adapted. That’s life. But having a plan (or a few) helps you feel informed, prepared, and seen. It gives your support team (midwife, doula, partner) something to advocate from. And most importantly, it reminds you that you have a voice in this process.

As a Doula, Here’s What I Know

Supporting people through birth has taught me this: trauma is not caused by things going “wrong.” It’s caused by people feeling like they weren’t treated with dignity.

You can have an emergency caesarean and feel totally safe, respected, and powerful, if you were part of the decision. You can also have a “straightforward” vaginal birth and come out deeply traumatised, if your autonomy was ignored.

My role isn’t just about reminding you to breathe. It’s about making sure your voice stays at the centre of your care, even when plans change. It’s about protecting your right to feel safe, heard, and in control.

Let’s Raise the Bar

It’s time to move beyond “just survive.” We can hold space for the real fear that so many feel around birth, especially those who’ve been mistreated or ignored, without accepting that trauma is inevitable.

We deserve a culture of birth that is informed, supported, and empowering. Where we plan not because we’re naïve, but because we believe we’re worth more than harm.

If you’re pregnant, planning a family, or supporting someone who is, I invite you to think bigger than “don’t die.” Your birth experience matters. Your voice matters. And your memories of that day will last a lifetime.

Let’s start expecting more from our care. Let’s stop laughing off mistreatment. Let’s support birth that’s not just safe but sacred.

If you’d like help creating your birth plan, or just need someone in your corner, I’m here. Get in touch and let’s reclaim your birth story together.

https://www.thedouladirectory.com/england/reading/doula/larissa-whiteway

Larri